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Do tell me all about yourself. I enjoy horror stories.
-Henny Youngman

One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.
-Heinrich Hein

Irish that don't drink: the one's in AA.
-Colin Quinn

Do me a favor. Drop dead.
-Born Yesterday 

Anyone who extends you the right hand of fellowship is in danger of losing a couple of fingers.
-Alva Johnston

Give thanks to god that when he made you a fool, he gave you a fool's face.
-Lawrence of Arabia

If laughter is contagious, I think you've found the cure.
-Les Dawson's mother

A million monkeys with a million crayons would be hard pressed in a million years to create an unnacurate portrait of your face.
-Rita Kempley

Having an intellectual conversation with you is like having a leper give me a facial.
-Robin Williams

Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard of broken dreams when the lights are against you?
-Groucho Marx

Today is lumpy rug day! So get out those pictures of your boyfriend and celebrate!
-Joan Rivers

Someone had a little bit of crazy powder in her protein shake this morning.
-Sean Hayes

If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get back change.
-anonymous

You're a natural phenomenon.....so is acid rain.
-Crimes and Misdemeanors

You, my friend, are an intellectual rust bucket.
-Paul Keating

Your life had only one fault: it was kind of lousy.
-James Thurber

Your soft, saggy face bears a disturbing resemblance to a fifty-year-old man's failing, hairless back end.
-Mark Ames

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?
-Henny Youngman

It's been rumored that you're finally going to use botox. So, they're using a firehose to inject it right?
-Conan O'Brien

The stork that brought you must have been a vulture.
-Torrid Zone

Only a blind man would pinch your butt.
-TV show Absolutely Fabulous

The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
-anonymous

When she told her doctor that she always wanted to keep her weight exactly the same as her IQ, he gave her a lecture on anorexia.
-Wendy Morgan

The problem with you is that you look as though there is a famine in the land.
-George Bernard Shaw
The problem with you is that you look as though you're the cause of it.
 - Lord Northcliffe

Your face is as endearing as unanesthetisized gum surgery.
-Liam Lacey

You set constant low personal standards and then consistently fail to acheive them.
-anonymous

You sound reasonable....time to up my medication.
-anonymous

There's nothing wrong with you that a vasectomy of the vocal chords couldn't fix.
-Lisa Alther

I cancelled a proctologist appointment to be with you here tonight, and I think I made a mistake.
-Jack Benney

I like standing next to you.....for once, no one will blame me for farting.
-Triumph

Yeah, she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a flashlight.
-Robert Culp

I will always cherish the initial misconseptions I had about you.
-anonymous

It it weren't for your stupidity, you'd have no personality at all.
-Henny Youngman

Some cause happiness wherever thay go; in your case it's whenever you go.
-Oscar Wilde

You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man.
-Body Heat

A nursing home in Florida just called. The last person who thinks you're funny just died.
-Sarah Silverman

I've seen better looking hair in a shower drain.
-Garfield

You remind me of a homeless dog crazed into near demetia by the need to be petted.
-Micheal Atkinson

You know honey, you've still got your looks--where are you hiding them?
-Megan Mullally

Did anyone ever tell you you were beautiful, and mean it?
-Henny Youngman

Honey, nothing you can say or do will change the fact that you're ugly.
-me!

With all due respect, you're beginning to bore the hell out of me.
-Heartbreak Ridge

I like the way you manage to state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.
-Gore Vidal

Unlucky: when you lose all of your hair and still have dandfruff.
-Phyllis Diller

The word "loyalty" in the mouth of your boyfriend is like the word "love" in the mouth of a whore.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

You have an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
-anonymous

You've got no enemies, but you're intensely disliked by all of your friends.
-Oscar Wilde

Jocks: as strong as an ox....and almost as smart.
-Roddy Piper

My ex-girlfriend gave great headache.
-Rodney Dangerfield

You make George Bush seem like a personality.
-Jackie Mason

You've got a diseased mind and a soul so black that you would even obscure the darkness of hell.
-Reed Smoot

One more facelift and you'll have a beard.
-Joanna Lumley

You would look good in something long and flowing--say, a river.
-Henny Youngman

If brains were taxed, you'd get a refund.
-anonymous

So fake, you come with batteries.
-me!

You are the greatest living argument for mercy killings.
-The Man Who Came to Dinner

You'd make a handsome corpse.
-Oliver Goldsmith

Last time I saw a face like yours, a jockey was feeding it sugar.
-LaWanda Page

The Marines is looking for a few good men--you ain't it.
-Clint Eastwood

You know, there's one good thing about your body. It's not as ugly as your face.
-Henny Youngman

In the pinball game of life, your flippers are a little furthur apart than most.
-anonymous

The impact of your life is like the banging together of two damp dishcloths.
-Brendan Behan

You might say that you're one taco short of a combination platter
-Robin Williams

You're like Buddy Holly and Barney from the Flinstones had a baby and then peed on it.
-Jeffrey Ross

You look like a truck driver in drag.
-Truman Capote

My ex had all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.
-Sam Houston

Don't tell me you're not fake. Your husband's an anesthesiologist, your best friend's a nurse, and you had five plastic surgeons over for dinner last night.
-me!

You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.
-R. Lee Ermey

You remind me of a big cheesecake on legs. In other terms, an idiot.
-Boy George

You've got the look of an inquisitive rodent emerging into daylight from a drain.
-Harold Nicolson

An infamous liar, a revolting liar, a pusillanimous liar, a natural born liar, a liar by proffesion, a liar of living, a liar in the daytime, a liar in the night-time, a dishonest, ignorant, corrupt, and groveling crook.  No matter how I put it, you're still the same.
-Kenneth McKeller

You ought to put handles on your skull. Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.
-The Lady Eve

What's black and white and brown and looks absolutely fabulous on you? A doberman.
-Mordecai Richler

Come over here and make me. I dare you. You little fruitcake.
-Pete Stark

She's been on more laps than a napkin.
-Walter Winchell

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy that holds it all together.
-anonymous

Why do people take an instant disslike to you? Because it saves time.
-Alan Jay Lerner

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
-Henny Youngman

Let's not see each other for a while. Like, for the rest of our lives.
-Garfield

When I think of all of the people I respect, you're right there.....serving them drinks.
-anonymous

Oh, honey, I wish I could stay, but I don't want to.
-Megan Mullally

I'm not saying we're a thinking man's band, we all know men think with their crotches, but my crotch is different.
-Ville Valo

Reminds me of the vile scum that collects at the edge of a pond.
-Ezra Pound

You know so little and you know it so fluently.
- Ellen Glasgow

A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.
- Tom Waits

Useless as a pulled tooth.
- Mary Roberts Rinehart

Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words the male is a walking abortion; aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.
- Valerie Solanos

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- Robertson Davies

You're a fine friend. You stabbed me in the front.
- Leonard Louis Levinson

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
- Jack E. Leonard

No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
- Rob Wagner

I thought men like that shot themselves.
- King George V

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- Oscar Levant

You love nature in spite of what it did to you.
- Forest Tucker

You have the attention span of a lightning bolt.
- Robert Redford

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
- Kin Hubbard

Taking advice from you is like recieving fashion tips from Adam and Eve.
-me

Are your parents siblings?
-anonymous

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
-anonymous

At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.
-Polyester

I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.
-Noël Coward

A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice.
- Phillip Marlowe

Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in.
-Katharine Whitehorn

End of season sale at the cerebral department.
-Gareth Blackstock

He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
-Mark Twain

Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)
-Lily Tomlin

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.
-anonymous

Well, they do say opposites attract...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
-anonymous

You were so ugly as a baby your mama had to feed you with a slingshot.
-anonymous

Your teeth are so yellow that when you close your mouth your eyes light up!
-anonymous

You will never be the man your mother was!
-anonymous

You're so ugly that your mom had to stick a pork chop to your face to get the dog to play with you!
-anonymous

You're so ugly you looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
-anonymous

Your underarms are so hairy, you looks like you have Buckwheat in a headlock.
-anonymous

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
-anonymous

I hope your face ends up on a milk carton.
-anonymous

You remind me of opium, a slow working dope.
-anonymous

I'd smack the crap out of you if I didn't think it would fill up the room.
-anonymous

When they made you, they broke the mold. Then, they found the moldmaker, dragged him out into the street, and shot him. Repeatedly.
-anonymous

Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, & a cockroach stole my wallet.
-anonymous

Is that your head or did your neck explode?
-anonymous

I'd ring your neck if I could find it.
-anonymous

When you were born, your mother was charged for littering.
-anonymous

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
-anonymous

I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.
-Sanford and Son  

There's one sure way to tell when politicians aren't telling the truth: their lips move.
-Felicity Kendall

You don't need a plastic surgeon, you need a wrecking crew.
-Henny Youngman

You have luxurious black hair and you wear long sleeves to hide it.
-anonymous

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion that nobody cares about? You!
-Candice Bergen

I'm not gay, but if I was, you would probably be the reason.
-Jeff Foxworthy

Anyone can have bad breath... but you could knock a buzzard off a crap wagon.
-George Carlin

When I first saw you, I thought my eyes were going bad; now I wish they were.
-Henny Youngman

You're not very smart; you have to reach into your bra to count to two.
-Rodney Dangerfield

You remind me of a cross between Medusa and a banshee, having a mid-life crisis.
-me

If you were any more stupid, you would have to be watered twice a week.
-anonymous